


Secrets I Have Held in My Heart are Harder to Hide Than I Thought

by veiledhints



Category: Hockey RPF
Genre: Friends With Benefits, HAPPY BIRTHDAY PATRICK KANE, M/M, Wow, fucking ur buddy and pretending u dnt love them, lmao patrick ur so cute
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-19
Updated: 2013-11-19
Packaged: 2018-01-02 02:22:40
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,099
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1051404
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/veiledhints/pseuds/veiledhints
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jonny and Patrick have dated before and it didn't work out, but that's water under the bridge. Then, admittedly very drunk, Patrick decides a friends with benefits situation is perfect for them. </p><p>And it is - up until he realizes he's totally been in love with Jonny since forever.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Secrets I Have Held in My Heart are Harder to Hide Than I Thought

**Author's Note:**

> Set all over the place. Rookie year, 2010 Cup celebration, now? Who knows.
> 
> (You should totally listen to "Why'd You Only Call Me When You're High?" or "Stop The World I Wanna Get Off With You" by Arctic Monkeys or like all of AM while you read this because the beat is perfect for the attitude I was going for.)
> 
> I say "fuck" a lot (a lot) in this and also I mention come and dicks (lol), but I hate when people use the mature rating for swear words when there's no descriptive dick-touching action, so I'm warning you here!!! 
> 
> Ok. Enjoy.

 

 

 

 

Patrick Kane knows there’s rules about fucking your ex-boyfriend.

Well, there’s probably only one that really matters and it’s: _Don’t fucking do it_. But, like. Okay, _you_ try being around your ex basically every day of your life, seeing him half naked - half naked and  _wet_  from a shower twenty feet away from you and like… try not remembering all the times you’ve seen his boner and try not having flashes of how his face looks when he comes whenever you close your eyes.

_Fucking try it._

Jonny's hot, alright? He knows it, Patrick knows it. So, it's hard (pun not really intended) to keep it in his pants sober - don't tell anyone that - and damned near impossible when he's drunk. (He's a messy drunk, what can ya do?) So usually, when they hook up they _are_  pretty drunk, or at least Patrick is drunk enough to not feel _that_ guilty about getting on his knees for Jonny. Obviously they do it this way so it’s not as bad as say, both of them being sober and agreeing to fuck each other. Because that would probably mean that there is still some feelings there and Patrick’s not really ready to… Uh...

Yeah, um. Moving on.

So when they hook up, Jonny tries to treats him like a one night stand. It’s almost deadly funny, like to the point Patrick laughs himself off Jonny's bed and his head comes too close to the corner of the nightstand when Jonny tells Patrick to leave before he wakes up. It causes Patrick to almost kill himself laughing because they both know Jonny’s gonna make them breakfast when the wake up _together_ and Patrick’s just gonna end up right back here in Jonny’s bed the next night.

(Both ignoring the fact they will, without a doubt, wake up spooning.)

Patrick’s only fucked one other person since they broke up. To make sure he could fuck other people and not see Jonny's dickface, obviously. Jokes on him, though, because the entire time the guy was getting off, Patrick was just waiting for the guy to turn into Jonny and say that _thing_ Jonny always says to him during sex. To top it off, he didn't even come that much, it felt more like a complimentary jizzing for the poor guy who came like, way too much on Patrick's belly for sex that was basically one-sided. Sorry, Greg from Minneapolis.

When the morning rolled around and he noticed the lump in his bed wasn’t Jonny, he realized he was still so gone over Jonny’s dick (just his dick, nothing else…) it made him puke in the shower.

He must’ve looked a little worse for wear after it, because when he got on the plane later that day, Jonny turned around in his seat and gave him this weird non-captain face. More like he was actually concerned for Patrick’s well-being, and asked, “You okay, Kaner?” which really only made him feel even worse. Like, who does Jonny think he is? Being concerned. _Ugh_. Patrick just nodded his head and gave him the thumbs up until Jonny looked halfway convinced - or got tired of looking at him - either way, he turned back around in his seat (probably to whisper things about Patrick to Seabs) and left him alone. Whatever. Patrick shoved his earbuds in and drew up his hood to spend time with his thoughts and Nelly.

So, they dated their rookie year or whatever. Blah, blah.

Their rationale was that if they were monogamous with each other, they’d be more focused on the game and themselves or some shit like that? Jonny didn't come right out and say it, but Patrick's thought a lot (after the fact) about how Jonny probably used him to grow as a person. How rude, right? He also spent a lot of time trying to figure what the fuck Jonny was thinking when he told Patrick not to fuck around with anyone else but him after their _third_ time together. Yes, you read right, their _third_ time together and Jonny's popping the going steady question. (Probably Jonny just wanted Patrick to himself because he’s _like that_ and was worried about, like germs Patrick would get.)

(Seriously though, Patrick literally still had Jonny’s come on the small of his back when Jonny says it from above him. So he can’t even see his fucking face and he’s asking Patrick to be his fucking _boyfriend_. God. Classic Toews.)

(Like, how’s Patrick even supposed to say anything but _fuck yes_ when he’s all fucked out and the gold of his orgasm is still tingling in his veins?)

(He's not. Jonny's a dick. Case closed.)

If there’s one life lesson Patrick Kane can give, it’s that post-orgasm questions lead to not thought out answers, children.

Maybe Jonny had this idea that like, if they only were with each other they wouldn’t ruin their careers acting like... well, hockey players their first year in the NHL? Fucking anything that gave them the time of day? And in retrospect, it lasted a lot longer than anyone thought it would. And Patrick didn’t ruin his life until _after_ they broke up and it _was_ Patrick’s first _real_ relationship - like the first one that lasted longer than 2 months. 

He's not even sure why he listened to Jonny when they were together. He turned down so much fine-ass tail to end up with the same tail every night. Fuck, okay. Yeah, he liked the same tail he got every night, but like. 

_Ugh._

He was probably way too happy to even notice any of the growing shit Jonny did, and also sort of made him do, too. Patrick likes to think it was  _him_ that made Jonny into a captain, but then again, since the first day Patrick met Jonny, he kinda always wanted to play on a team where Jonny was the head. He just does this thing with his eyes and shoulders? And he can throw his voice like a mile and it makes you wanna be better, like way better, and not just in hockey? Like in every aspect of your life. You don't save money? Talk to Toews and suddenly you'll have a savings account for your future children's college fund. Patrick was happy, though. Really, seriously happy about Jonny bossing him around and it felt like Jonny was happy too, like with Patrick, not just about bossing him around.

Just, God. Then Jonny has to go and say one day, “Hey, fuckhead, we’ve been dating for almost a year," in passing. All nonchalant, like it doesn't mean _shit_ to him even though Patrick knows it means a lot to him, but that's how Jonny is? Confusing and veiled about himself. Shit, anyway. It kind of hit Patrick that like this isn’t a _thing_ … It’s a _R_ _eal Thing_.

If you guessed that he freaked out because realizing that he was in a real relationship also made him realize that he loved Jonny a lot more than he had ever loved anything before (hockey included), you’d be very correct.

So, obviously he broke up with Jonny (in an admittedly drunken freak out) and decided that he wasn’t going to love him anymore.

Much, much easier said than done.

They started off being broken up pretty well - like, they didn’t fuck or anything, but Jonny still texted him to sleep and they still totally made out when they were sad over a loss, but they never touched dicks and that counts as a healthy break-up in Patrick’s book.

Well.

Healthy up until Patrick scores The Goal. The fucking _Stanley Cup_ winning goal, thank you very much, in fucking overtime from the most beautiful pass from Soup - and they win it? They fucking win fucking cup. And it’s beautiful and perfect and everyone is screaming, crying, yelling and hugging at each other because hockey’s back, hockey’s back in Chicago and _they fucking did it_.

(Patrick couldn’t even hear himself think with the sound of the screams around him - but if he could have, he knows he’da been thinking about Jonny.)

Everyone’s hugging him so tight on the ice that he doesn’t know whose arms are around him, everyone’s just a blur of _I fucking love you_ s and tight squeezes for a long period and the entire time he’s saying it back, but he’s guiltily waiting for Jonny to get to him.

And fuck - he’s so hyperaware of Jonny saying _I love you_ to everyone _but him_ and hugging everyone  _but him_  around him he’s about to go crazy - then _finally_ Jonny’s hands are grabbing out for him and Jonny’s head is tucked in Patrick's shoulder in the tightest and in running for best hug he's ever gotten (including the one his mom gave him when he broke his finger in the 2nd grade). Jonny moves his hands from Patrick's back and neck to hold his head still so he can look at Patrick’s face. Jonny's voice gets a little quiet when he says that he loves him, really fucking loves him - and maybe Jonny means it like everyone else did, in that “Buddy, _holy shit_.” way - but there’s something about the way he’s just staring at Patrick like he’s Jonny’s entire world that makes Patrick think it isn’t like everyone else’s _I love you_  and he’s the only one who got _this_ from Jonny.

Then Jonny gets the Conn Smythe and the first thing out of his stupid mouth is, “It should have been you."

Patrick is the first to skate up to him for congratulations, shaking his head no, but he hugs tight enough to keep his mouth shut or else he'd spill the beans about loving Jonny more than the cup. But Jonny just keeps fucking saying into Patrick’s ear that _he should have won it, it shoulda been him_ \- and like, how is he supposed to take that? How is he supposed to take Jonny’s hand being glued around his neck, keeping him close throughout the celebrations on the ice? Everything just feels so fucking _perfect_ to Patrick then - the lights, the confetti, the fucking cup, Jonny’s fucking hand, they just.

Fall back into it?

It being the back of the plane to Chicago in a very cramped closet thing.

Jonny says, “What are we doing, Patrick?” inbetween shaky breaths as he comes on Patrick’s stomach and Patrick can only grin up at him and reply, “Something stupid.”

But it feels really nice to have Jonny like this again - too nice - that Patrick decides, again admittedly very drunk already and very orgasmed-out, that they’re gonna do a friends-with-benefits type deal and Jonny’s gonna love it.

“Fuck you,” is Jonny’s response, but he leans down anyway and kisses Patrick really slow and deep, so obviously he’s drunk too and obviously he’s totally down for it.

 

 

 

So since then, they've been doing the whole fuck-buddie routine and it’s working for them.

Well.

Maybe.

Probably it's just that Patrick’s gotten really good at keeping his feelings for Jonny shut up inside his brain now, like far enough to where hedoesn't even notice them that much*. Because when Jonny kisses him after he’s come on some part of Patrick’s body, Patrick so doesn’t even notice his heart fluttering anymore. And when Jonny wipes the sweat off Patrick’s forehead and looks at him, he doesn’t even feel shy with Jonny watching him catch his breath from his orgasm.

He says, “That’s fucking gross,” about the sweat and Jonny just says, “I have your fucking come on my chest, Patrick. Your sweat doesn’t bother me.”

*Okay. Yes. He does feel a little weird when someone hits on Jonny within ear shot, and  _a little weird_ meaning he gets really jealous and has to pull Jonny into a bathroom or something so he can remind Jonny about how he has first dibs - maybe only dibs - on Jonny's stupid Canadian ass. If Jonny gets people to hit on him when he knows Patrick is near and is listening to their conversation, well then, good job, Toews - You know how to work the system. 

 

 

 

Patrick gets a text from Jonny just as he’s getting out of the shower and momentarily he’s a little freaked out about Jonny like being in his house watching him shower - which makes his dick twitch a little, if he’s being honest - but the text just says that Jonny’ll be over in 10 minutes and Patrick’s happy he’s clean because he was sort of hoping Jonny’d tell him to come over anyway and he wants Jonny to do that _thing_. Jonny says he doesn’t like to do to him, but he totally does. Jonny can’t lie during sex.

He puts on sweats - no underwear or a shirt, because  _come on_ \- and wanders into his kitchen to sit on the chair he can see his front door from. Jonny’s walking through his front door about a minute later with a 24 pack under his left arm, a brown bag in his hand that smells like carry-out of some kind, and a black duffel in the other hand. He shoves the door shut with is foot and nods up at Patrick as a hello.

“Moving in?” Patrick says, swiveling around on one of the bartop chairs in the middle of the kitchen.

Jonny snorts and smiles a little at him as he dumps the stuff on the bar. “You wish.”

“I think I’d kill myself if you moved in with me,” Patrick reaches for the brown bag, it's Chinese, and Jonny slaps his hands away before he can look in. “Living with your ass for 5 years on-road was bad enough. Full time? Fuck that.”

Jonny throws his coat on the back of a chair and crosses his arms at Patrick when he turns back around. “Don’t front, Kaner, you totally thought about being domestic with me.”

“Don’t front either, Jonny.” Patrick’s grinning at him. “You totally wanted to tie me down. Not even in the kinky way.”

Jonny huffs and looks away from Patrick as his eyebrows crease together. Patrick wants to take it back because Jonny just opens the a beer and doesn’t reply to him for a long moment and then regrets it even more when Jonny’s response of, “Whatever, Kaner,” sounds a little more on the forced side than the nonchalant side.

So.

Okay. Yeah. Patrick wanted to be domestic with Jonny. Wait - _wants_ to be domestic with Jonny. Like, Jonny’s got a key to his place and Patrick has a key to his, but they way they rationalized this when they exchanged them was - “ _You’re gonna need it to lock the door when you leave in the morning_.” It’s almost believable - until neither of them leave each other in the mornings. They just wake up together and go to practice at the same time or just hang out until one of them goes home? So, uh.

Yeah.

“SportsCenter?” Patrick offers after the pause feels too weird and Jonny nods at him, taking a bigger drink of his beer than he should, like he’s trying to get drunker quicker.

Patrick can respect that.

They eat the Chinese watching SportsCenter in almost silence, except Patrick keeps saying shit about the Cowboys. Then he brushes Jonny's knee when he reaches for another soy sauce packet and Jonny jerks his knee away oddly and says, "Sorry," in this dumb Canadian accent Patrick hasn't heard in forever. But Patrick doesn't say anything about it and before he knows it they’re “drunk”.

Patrick’s probably being too handsy with Jonny at the moment, because if Jonny knows Patrick at all, he knows Pat has a pretty high tolerance built up by now and the six beers he’s had isn’t really doing anything to him. But he isn’t saying anything, just lets Patrick touch his thigh, lets him crowd up next to him so Patrick can “shove better” at him when Jonny does something douchey in their shitty game of Mario Kart.

Patrick’s not really even paying attention to the game - he’s too busy trying to get onto Jonny’s lap and kiss at his neck - when Jonny pauses it and puts his hand on Patrick’s arm to push him off and back onto the couch.

“Hey,” Patrick protests, his voice sounds decidedly too high pitched.

Jonny isn’t looking at him, but Patrick can see he’s got his confused-stressed-serious face on, like he's been thinking. “Patrick, do you ever,” he begins but stops in the middle of the sentence and scrubs a hand down his face. “Do you ever think about what if we stayed together?”

_What?_

Patrick clears his throat to sound less strained, but, “What?” still gets caught up in there.

“Fuck. Nevermind.” Jonny unpauses the game, but Patrick’s hand is by the remote, so he grabs it and turns off the tv altogether, trying to command Jonny’s attention back on him. (Not like Patrick didn’t have all of Jonny's attention the moment Jonny walked through the door.)

“Jonny, what?”

Jonny’s still looking at the blank TV and he sounds close to calm when he says, “Nevermind, Kaner, okay?” but his knuckles are white from gripping the controller too hard. Like fuck if Patrick’s gonna _nevermind_ something like that.

Jesus Christ. Patrick just wanted to get his rocks off tonight - he didn’t. He wasn’t prepared for Jonny to fucking lay that bomb on him tonight.

But.

Jesus. Okay, yeah. He _had_ been thinking a lot about Jonny lately. Like _Serious Adult Things_ about Jonny - yes, correct, he’s always thinking about Jonny - but these things Serious Adult Things were things like how much he fucking regretted ever ending it with him. Because - because he misses Jonny a lot. In ways fucking him doesn’t fix. In ways that can only be fixed by knowing that he’s really Jonny’s forever, not just for the night.

(It's funny to think now that Patrick assumed he was anything less than Jonny's forever.)

“Jonny,” Patrick reaches for his shoulder and Jonny visibly tenses up when Patrick touches him, but he keeps his hand there despite that sinking feeling in his stomach. “What the fuck do you - What do you mean?”

“Fuck - just what I said, okay?” Jonny turns his head to look at him finally. He looks scared almost. “Do you ever think about what if we stayed together?”

Patrick wants to tell him all the shit he’s been thinking, but he ends up saying, “Yeah, Jonny,” and before he can get anything else out, Jonny is standing up and walking into the kitchen.

Wait, wait. What the fuck?

“Jonny, wait.” Patrick calls after him, but Jonny just walks into the kitchen, stiff and tall and ignoring. Patrick can’t see in there from his couch and something tells him to follow Jonny in there so they can talk about _this_ and he sort of wants to, but something else is keeping him seated on the couch.

Maybe it’s the mild freak out he’s having.

He hears Jonny in the kitchen, so he knows he didn’t leave and that makes him feel a little better about being _here_ and not in _there_.

He just. He’s thought a lot about Jonny.

Okay, he’s totally hot. But he’s so weird? Like Jonny does a lot of things that bother Patrick. There’s this thing he’ll do in the morning, like right when he wakes up he’ll borrow his head into Patrick’s neck and breathe goodmorning in hot, gross smelling breath onto him, and Patrick’ll shove away from him because _ew_ and Jonny’ll let him go easily, smiling as he does. Or like, in the shower? He’s gotta wash his hair first and _then_ his body, which throws off Patrick’s routine of body, balls, head.

Shit. You’re right again if you guessed that Patrick doesn’t say no when Jonny washes his hair, but.

Okay, it’s not that annoying. Like at all. And don’t tell anyone, but Patrick totally loves when Jonny breathes on his neck to wake him up.

Ugh. Shit.

Like, there’s also this whole thing he’s got about how much he likes when Jonny’s hands are in his hair? How much he likes when Jonny’s over, just sitting on the couch with him shooting the shit and making out, how much he likes playing hockey with Jonny, likes Jonny being his captain, likes seeing Jonny’s small smile when Patrick’s the only one to call him _Jonny_ and not _Tazer_.

Jesus fuck, he even likes _arguing_ with Jonny.

 _Oh my, God_ , he thinks.

He _loves_ Jonny.

“Shit,” he says.

“What?” Jonny’s voice is behind him.

He jumps a little, thinking he was talking to himself. (Classic Toews.) “I just realized something,” Patrick says, keeping his eyes forward.

“What did you, uh, realize?” Jonny sounds apprehensive and Patrick wants to turn and look at his face to see what kind of idiotic expression he has on, but he doesn’t know what his own is doing and doesn’t know if it’s the one he wants Jonny to see.

“I think I love you, Jonny.” He laughs. “Weird, right?”

“Weird?” Jonny’s voice is louder now, sounds close to offended - or Jonny offended - Patrick wants to think he can even hear the smile in his voice. “Why’s that weird?”

Patrick leans forward and puts his elbows on his knees. “Well, I mean, I fucked it up right? When I broke up with you?" He sighs. "I think I loved you back then. I probably didn’t stop, I just never realized it.” (It's a Classic Kaner to realize things too late.) (Like, he'll realize he's out of milk after the cereal is poured almost once a week.)

Jonny walks around the side of the couch and sits down next to Patrick. Close enough so their thighs are touching, but neither of them look at each other and Patrick's livingroom feels tight suddenly.

“Do you remember when I said I loved you?”

Patrick lies, “I figured you meant it like everyone else did.”

Out of the corner of his eye, he can see Jonny steal a glance at him quickly. “I wasn’t. I. I wasn’t just saying it. I meant it. Not like I mean it for everyone else.”

“Yeah?”

Jonny looks to him for real and says, “Yeah, Pat. Of course.” He sounds almost like he's offended that Patrick thought anything less of him.

Patrick scratches his head and looks over to Jonny too. “I’m a fucking idiot, huh?” Jonny's draws his lips into his mouth and nods his head. “And you wanted to be _domestic_ with me.”

“Still want to,” Jonny corrects, breaking a smile at Patrick.

And, like. Holy _shit_ does Patrick use so much self-control right then to not jump on Jonny’s lap and kiss the shit out of his stupid, perfect Canadian mouth. But then he thinks, _fuck self-control._  He doesn’t do so much as jumping, more like slow climbing up on Jonny’s lap to straddle him. Jonny’s head thunks the back of the couch like it suddenly weighs a few tons, he wraps his arms around Patrick’s waist, locking his fingers behind his back and Jonny’s so gone he can’t do anything but grin up to him, his eyes already half-lidded and blown.

“You’re not drunk, are you?” Patrick asks, looking down at Jonny, who he shakes his head quickly. Patrick can't do much but smile down at him. “Good, me either.”

Typical Toews not letting Patrick be the first person to start the kiss. He barely gets the words out before Jonny’s hand is suddenly on the back of Patrick's head, pulling it down to meet his. This feels much better - kissing because they just want to kiss each other. He thinks he can get use to this. Thinks he can get used to kissing Jonny on his couch forever. It doesn't even have to lead to Jonny fucking him, he just likes. 

He just likes Jonny's mouth and Jonny in general.

Well, if it  _does_ lead to sex, he's not gonna argue.

Hell, he even thinks he could get used to kissing and fucking forever on _Jonny’s_ couch. Which thinks he wants to become _their_ couch someday, like someday soon, and thinking that makes him laugh and it makes Jonny pull away from his mouth.

“What?” Patrick asks him, annoyed at Jonny's mouth not being on his. Jonny looks apprehensive again, like he's done something wrong. “Oh, get that look off your face. I’m thinking about you fucking me on our couch.”

“Oh,” Jonny says, eyes going from half-lidded happiness, to half-lidded horniness within a half a second. “Okay.”

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Title from the Arctic Monkey's song "I Wanna Be Yours"
> 
> (Trivia: "I Wanna Be Yours" is actually a poem by John Cooper Clarke!!)
> 
> I think I only know how to write fluff. 
> 
> Anyway, thanks for reading!!!!!
> 
> HAPPY BIRTHDAY PATRICK KANE I LOVE YOU SO MUCH AND OBVIOUSLY YOU'LL NEVER READ THIS OR ANYTHING BUT I JUST REALLY NEED TO EXPRESS EVERYWHERE I GO HOW MUCH I FUCKING LOVE YOU so um happy 25th birthday i can't believe you're as old as my brother but i hope your 25th year on this earth is one of the best ones you have and i also hope you have like 65 more birthdays to come :---) ily pls win the game tonight too and score a bunch ok ily bye


End file.
